A month ago I started writing this post. I was going though some emotional conflict on what I wanted to do with myself. So naturally, I turned to Emo Rangers…. A poorly edited/filmed knock off of Power Rangers from the UK that was made around 2005.
What can I say about this? There’s a connection between the emo that I knew in high school and the emo portrayed in this show. I grew up mainly in 2006-2010 for high school/ middle school. This was the time where Avril Lavigne’s post-grunge Under My Skin fix wasn’t cutting it no matter how many times I pressed repeat on my CD player on track 6 (My Happy Ending– a flashback incase you guys need it) The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance came out and was extremely popular with all my friends and I. The emo I knew was about feeling angry and hating everything, which in hindsight shows signs of depression sooo…
Anyway, this show makes no sense to me now… Maybe if I was still emo, or even in my “I’m-post-emo-not-really-a-hipster-but-still-the-stereotypical-super-gay-liberal badass,” It would make more sense. But instead, I’m in the “I-am-a-nerd” phase and think too logical and not as emotionally anymore, so I so do not get these kids who say they hate everything but saves it all and are on the “good side.” The good side apparently hate’s teddy bears, and authoritative figures…
Post Summary: I listened to Avril’s Under My Skin album while writing this post. Maybe just maybe I’ll go back to post-gunge after all now that I can afford my own makeup and not use my mom’s eyeliner like I did back in the day.
On Amazon Prime, there is a show called Awkward. and it is your stereotypical run of the mill teenager- directed fanbase shows.
I am 23 and for some god forsaken reason I really like this show.
The main character (Jenna Hamilton), is an outcast teenage girl with one really good quirky friend (Tamara) who is in love with a guy ‘out of her league’ (Matty McKibbins). Relatable, right? So she hooks up with him and when she broke her arm, a rumor spread around (from Sadie Saxton and her Jesus loving bestie, Lissa) about how she tried to commit suicide over the boy… Still somewhat relatable…? From there, it’s just been an adventure of how this outcast that was thrown into the spotlight from a bad rumor makes the most of it and tries to save her social life and gets through high school (with help from other friends/ supporting characters: Jake, Valarie, and Luke). That part is relatable… well to me! And she finally gets with the boy she loves by the end of high school after being with a couple other guys because she couldn’t make her mind up. Very relatable given my sexuality and always wondering ‘what if she’s the one’! She has a rocky start to college after breaking up with the guy she went through so much crap to be with. She then comes home for the summer.
Season 502 (really means 8) is what I just binge watched last night/ this morning while talking to Pond.
This season she comes home from college, gets an internship thanks to Luke (aka guy she dated while deciding on drama with Matty). She eventually gets back together with Luke and Matty realizes his feelings never went away for Jenna. So it’s more drama of them always missing the right moment. At the end, she questions if her actions are right for her or if she’s just doing thing and passing through the relationship motions knowing very well it’s not in her best interests.
I really hope they make a season 601 or season 9 of what school she chooses: Wycoff to have Matty transfer to her or the NYU one to follow Luke. hahahaha why am I so addicted to this show for the teenage demographic? Is my life really in need of drama?
If you haven’t tuned into my other post, Torn Importance, then you should probably read it first.
I never thought I was the type to require validation from an emotional connection. In the 6-7 years since my last serious relationship with a male, I thought I had worked on myself to be strong enough to not need to be assured that one cares for me. I felt like I was turning to a friend I’ve bonded with for a while now for that emotional connection, and somewhat ‘mistaking’ it as potential feelings… though, it did strike me odd as to why I miss the LGBT community now that I am in a Heterosexual relationship. This conflict made me question: what am I getting from my friend that I feel my boyfriend isn’t providing me?
I finally got closure when it comes to lust or having an emotional connection. Common sense says that while lust is great, one needs emotional connections to function properly. In my case, it was to show someone that I care and want to be vocal about caring and needing some validation that it’s reciprocated and that one doesn’t feel like they need to find that in all their close friends. But I was blinded by seeing other’s and how their significant others bluntly say things like “you are my best friend, and I am in love with you.”It made me feel like this relationship was just formed out of lust…
I guess in the depth of my own insecurities astound me.
At least I talked to my boyfriend (really need to give him a nickname on here! Maybe Scruffy? like because of his beard that re refuses to shave…) about how I want some validation from him because I feel crazy for feeling things but him not saying anything. Apparently, I needed to look at his actions for validation. He’s been doing things to show he likes me so me being slow finally realizes he does care.
Purple and everyone else that I know who likes anime, all suggested that I watch Attack on Titan. I started it 3 days ago, and I have a love- hate relationship with this anime…
I love the plot in season 1. The society that the main characters live in (Eren, Armin and Mikasa) is some sort of post apocalyptic society that is enclosed to protect itself from these Demon-God like creatures called Titans, that are attracted to eating humans. One day as the three were children, the colossal Titan and an armored one breached the enclosed society and started killing more people. They were powerless and therefore retreated to a deeper society. From there, Eren trains and joins the military to kill these beasts and eventually is persecuted because he can transform into one and able to kill them.
Why I hate this anime: and not that it’s really the anime’ fault but… when I think of titans, I think of Greek characters like Zeus and his horde of offspring. That and I contemplate what had to have gone through the creator’s mind of this manga/anime franchise to create this society of questioning human existence and having a superior being control whether they live or die by being this incredible presence in humans. I tried to make that seem like it’s a church… Maybe it doesn’t follow rules of clockwork theory, and all the killings are random…
So this anime makes me think. Maybe too deep than what I should admit to…
The Omnipresent enemy.
What’s more important: Sexual lust or an emotional connection?
I’ve been at an impasse with these two feelings and I’m tired of feeling guilt for having to second guess what I desire more. Lust makes me feel not ugly or fat and feeling secure in the sense that I will be taken care of but the desire for the emotional connection makes me feel like I’m not crazy for wanting to hear the words “I really like you… hell I think I might be falling for you” to an eventual “I love you.”
It’s a tough decision and sadly, it’s starting to chip away at my nonchalant demeanor that I’ve worked so hard trying to build around people.
And then there’s this:
That was the sweet sadistic message the popped on the screen as I sent my law school application to University of Chicago school of law.
I have officially sent in an application after years of being turned down, or scared of my own failures. My nerves were that of cooked spaghetti since I waited until the last moment to do so, and felt a sense of relief wash over me.
Now onto the waiting game.
I found a page while surfing the Facebook interwebs last week that someone finally put into words what it is like for a modern bisexual woman to be dating a man after so long. https://medium.com/@emmalindsay/why-does-dating-men-make-me-feel-like-shit-12c25e539021#.h1t3kgpp
Ms. Lindsey’s article had made me think about things… just the title itself makes me think about all my relationships I’ve had in my life. “Why does dating men make me feel like shit?”
Her article brought up so many good points about the feeling that creeps up on the modern day bisexual.
Because, female fetishization of beauty was not as painful to me as male fetishization. Dating a butch women who is super into traditional high-femmes is not as painful as dating a straight man.
When relating the butch woman and the straight man, both (ideally) would want the opposite persona in a partner to balance out masculinity and femininity… like Shane and Carmen from The L Word.
Shane is the “butch” and Carmen is the “femme”
However, in the same sex little bubble with lesbians and bisexuals, there’s pure acceptance. So why is it any different for men to express any acceptance with their sexuality? The Article states that society has deemed men expressing themselves to be viewed as creepy, so instead of saying that a woman makes him feel happy, he’ll just say she’s fucking hot.
But I liked the view Ms. Lindsey wrote on the inner feeling she got when dating men. Why is it that women feel like a man a always settling down for her as a best runner up position? Is it because deep down we all have insecurities?